The Skills Needed for Emotionally Intelligent Communication

Taking full advantage of the cross-disciplinary scientific
brain studies and discoveries of the past decade, this
book provides you with the skills or tools that enable
you to learn to communicate effectively with the people
you work with and the people you love. These five
essential skills define, empower, and guide your emotional
intelligence in communication, giving you the
means to create and sustain secure, successful, long-lasting
relationships.
◆ The elastic: high safety and low stress. The capacity
to regulate stress is the elastic that provides safety
and gives rise to the ability to be emotionally available
and engaged. Stress compromises this ability.
The first step in communicating with emotional
intelligence is recognizing when stress levels are out
of control and returning ourselves and our colleagues
or partners, whenever possible, to a relaxed and energized
state of awareness.
◆ The glue: exchange based on primary emotions. The
glue that holds the communication process together
is the emotional exchange triggered by primary biological
emotions that include anger, sadness, fear, joy,
and disgust. These emotions, essential for communication
that engages others, have often been numbed
or distorted by misattuned early relationships, but
they can and must be reclaimed and restored.
◆ The pulley: wordless communication. Nonverbal
communication is the pulley of emotionally intelligent
language that attracts the attention of others
and keeps relationships on track. Eye contact, facial
expression, tone of voice, posture, gesture, touch,
intensity, timing, pace, and sounds that convey
understanding engage the brain, influencing others
much more than words alone can.
◆ The ladder: pleasure in interactive play. Playfulness
and humor, the naturally high ladder, enable us to
navigate awkward, difficult, and embarrassing issues.
Mutually shared positive experiences also lift us up,
strengthen our resolve, help us find inner resources
needed to cope with disappointment and heartbreak,
and give us the will to sustain a positive connection
with our work and our loved ones.
◆ The velvet hammer: conflict as opportunity for trust
building. The way we respond to differences and
disagreements in home and work relationships can
either create hostility and irreparable rifts or initiate the building of safety and trust—that’s why it’s a
velvet hammer. The capacity to take conflict in stride
and forgive easily is supported by our ability to manage
stress, be emotionally honest and available, communicate
nonverbally, and laugh easily.
Taken together, these crucial skills make us able to
respond flexibly and appropriately in any situation. If this
sounds revolutionary, it is. If it sounds too simple, it is not.
Real change engages the brain and is an interactive process.
Studies show that profound changes can be made
in close relationships within three to nine months—a
rebirth no longer than one’s original creation.